Discipline

I did not give up anything for Lent this year. This was part choice and part the reality of realizing it was Ash Wednesday, I'd already eaten chocolate, and I had a headache that made me disinterested in adding any sort of inconvenience to my life. I half-heartedly decided to commit myself to regular daily devotions. A little too half-heartedly, it seems, as that quickly fell by the wayside. I reminded myself that spiritual depth does not necessarily come through things like a Lenten fast. (Which is true.) I absolved myself of the guilt.

But I miss it.

I miss the thoughtfulness that comes with a discipline. I miss the intentionality that forces me to consider all my choices more carefully, whether it be what I eat or how I use my time. I miss the peace that comes from having daily time with God. I miss the anticipation of the first taste of the forbidden food after celebrating the Resurrection. As I enjoy the satisfaction that comes through keeping the discipline of my race training, I wish I had that in my spiritual life, as well.

And that is the other side of this, of course. The danger of a discipline is that it can become one more thing for those of us prone to over-achievement to put on a chart on our fridge. One more way to try to earn stars for ourselves when maybe instead we should be trying to learn how to live humbly into grace. So, again I absolve myself.

But, still, I miss it.

(Then again, proving God has a sense of humor, last week I discovered that I've been unintentionally drinking decaf coffee since the first week of Lent -- which explains the headache on Ash Wednesday. Nice one, Lord. After a moment of thought, I went back to regular strength.)