Advent

Yesterday was the first Sunday in Advent. It's the start of my favorite season of the Church year. Advent is the time when we listen to hymns that are in minor keys with unresolved chords, it's when we listen to words that were once spoken to a people in exile, unsure what their future would bring. Advent is when we sit with our longing and our grief and our lack of personal resolution and hear words like "comfort, comfort, O my people" and "the people who lived in darkness have seen a great light." And the thing about Advent is that you know how it's going to end. You know that the four week journey will end with the festival of Christmas; you know that it will end with cookies and gifts and "Joy to the World" and "Silent Night" sung by candlelight. And in the same way, because of Christmas, you know how everything else will end, too. You know that in that babe born in Bethlehem God brought redemption to the world. In that babe God promised that all will be well and all will be well and all manner of things will be well.

But for now, we are still in Advent.

The deadline has come and gone. And Jason and I could not make a decision. We knew the terms of the deadline -- engaged or sure to be engaged or else we break up. And so, both of us knowing that we are not in a place to be married right now, were ready for the break up. We had both prepared ourselves for both the incredible grief and the relief that comes through resolution. But after two full days of talking and crying and talking some more, of talking about our challenges and our joys, of talking about how it shouldn't be this hard, of talking about how much we love each other, of actually talking, we just could not do it.

So, we are still in Advent. I decided I did not want to be held hostage to my own, self-imposed deadline. I realized I was about to break up with him just so I'd have a resolution I could tell my friends. But this song is still playing in minor key, these chords are still unresolved.

We will be going to see a relationship counselor. We need the "third person in the room" that I am always telling couples is "perfectly normal" and "helpful." Yes, there is part of us that says, "we shouldn't need this." But I think that all we seek is clarity. Whether we stay together or break apart, we want to know in our heart of hearts that what we are doing is right.

Yet, again I will say, however the story unfolds we do know that this journey will soon pass by a manger that reminds us that all will be well, and all will be well, and all manner of things will be well.